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First. . . A note about the tulips. . . In the hospital where I lost my last baby the nurses hang a special card that has a picture of purple tulips on the door of every woman who has lost a baby. It is a simple way of reminding everyone that there is a woman in mourning on the other side of that door and if you enter her room you should be remember to be gentle with her and mindful of her loss. I didn't notice my own card until five days after I had entered the hospital, but I knew what it meant the second I saw it. . .Then, a few days later I noticed another door around the corner that had an identical purple tulip card taped to it. . . I didn't know that behind that door was a future friend of mine, just like she didn't know that behind the door she had been looking at and wondering about was a future friend of hers. It was the symbol of the purple tulips that brought me my friend in pain, someone I could talk to who understood. . . It was that symbol that taught me the healing that can be found in sharing your pain with another soul that understands. . . So that's the reason behind the purple tulips. It's kind of a personal symbol, but when I decided to start this LJ the symbol of the tulip cards was what stood out in my mind as the pictorial representation I wanted for this place.



This LJ is a place where I can share and talk about my personal experiences with loss and pregnancy. I was blessed with two healthy sons that I gave birth to after two long, difficult pregnancies. . .But in my journey through motherhood I have had two miscarriages (one at eight weeks and one and fourteen weeks) and then my last pregnancy ended with our third son’s prenatal death when I was twenty-one weeks pregnant.

This isn’t just my place to share my experiences, I want it to be an open place for everyone to share and express their feelings. In my journey I’ve come across so many women who have experienced losses in motherhood. . . Miscarriages, prenatal deaths, those who gave birth to their babies only to lose them days later, even those who have tried and tried to have babies and yet find themselves with empty arms. Each experience is unique, each is painful, each can leave us feeling alone and often times to blame for whatever it is that happened that left us without the children we so desperately wanted to hold and love. I hope that in posting my stories I’m not only helping myself, but it’ll also help those of you who have felt alone in your pain. My experiences may not be the same, but I am a woman, I have felt the pain of loss and empty arms and if you have felt the same then know you are not alone.

I will say that I plan to be blunt. . . I debated over sugar coating some of the more painful parts of my experiences, but I have decided against it. It’s good for me to get out everything that has hurt me. So I do warn you that if you read this LJ you may come across things that aren’t pleasant. I will always use cut tags on the parts of my story that I think might upset those who are more sensitive to certain things, but this is a LJ where I plan to express my pain and my loss. There may be times when I talk about my health that suffered severely under the strain of my last pregnancy. There will be times when I will talk about my pain over my loss and there will be times when I try to look at the silver lining over the grey clouds that sometimes have floated into my life.

Overall. . .I just want to say that anything anyone wants to share. . .Please do. . . This is an open place that is free of judgment. . . While I plan to share my stories here, that doesn’t mean that yours aren’t welcome. More than anything I have found that talking and sharing with others has helped me more than I thought it would and I welcome anything any of you feels the need to share.

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