Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in tulipangels' LiveJournal:

Thursday, July 20th, 2006
11:14 pm	About baby Joel and his ashes that finally made it home today. . . So, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this.. .But we had never picked up little Joel's remains from the funeral home. I really can't explain it, but it was just too painful. The thought of picking up his ashes. I tend to hide from death. I had a moment in the car on the way to my dad's funeral where I wished I could just leap out of the vehicle and run the other way, because his funeral seemed too intense to deal with. Every time we'd talk about going to get his ashes, it just got us up so upset. . . We'd decide to wait until tomorrow. I was racked with guilt that he was left alone at the funeral home, but the finality of picking up the little box of ashes and brining him home was going to force me to face the death of my baby, my insecurities over failing him as a mother because I was too sick to keep him alive. It was just very painful and I can't offer any other excuse than that. . . Well, today. . .Johnny came to me and told me that he had kept something from me. . .When I asked what, he was hesitant to say anything. . .Finally he said, "I went to the funeral home today." I knew he had gotten the ashes and I started crying, but I asked to see them. . . I took the gold box that had a card in a envelope on the top, a certificate saying that these were the remains of Joel Daniel Stansel who died on April 30th, 2006. I could see little bits of bones in amongst the gray ashes and I started crying. Johnny left to go to Sam's club and I sat there and cried for a while. Finally, I called my mother and talked to her. . . I cried a lot and finally my mom was quiet and said. . . Honey, do you want to hear something really, really strange. . . So I said, yes. . . She told me, you delivered Baby Joel on the day of your dad's death. . . And today, you brought him home. . . On your dad's birthday. It hadn't entered my mind when I sat there and cried over that little box of ashes. . .But today IS my dad's birthday. He would have been 59 today. . . So, again I felt my dad's hand in everything. . . I don't believe in coincidence, and the fact that today was the day he ended up coming home, when Johnny admitted he had made an appointment to pick him up on tuesday, but had to cancel because a job had come. . .And then he had tried to pick him up yesterday, but was suddenly plagued with a horrible migraine that had him bed bound for most of the day, so by fate alone, today, my dad's birthday, was the day he ended up coming home. Maybe I'm just looking for something, but I think it's a sign that he's still watching over us. . .A sign that he and his grandson are together and he wanted us to know that. . . Just like when I delivered little Joel. . .I had been forced to carry him for almost a week knowing he had passed away. Having to look at my pregnant body and know that child inside me, my child, was no longer alive, was one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced. I was in pain emotionally and not rational. . .I had signed the papers saying that I wanted him surgically removed because I didn't think I could handle the trauma of going through labor to deliver a dead baby . . . But then, on April 30th, the third anniversary of my dad's death, I went into labor and the decision was taken out of my hands. I can't say that the delivery was easy, or that it wasn't painful emotionally and physically. . .But that day I was blessed with the kindest, most caring doctors and nurses. They were more than respectful of my baby, and of my need to not see him, because I didn't want the image of him dead to be the last memory of him. They took him into the bathroom and cleaned him and wrapped him a little blanket and put a little hat on him and then left Johnny alone with him while they took care of me. I believe my dad was there with me that day. . .he knew the surgery would have been horrible and disrespectful for the baby. His little body would have been broken and damaged so badly that Johnny would have never been able to spend time with him before they took him to the morgue. Plus, the surgery was an extreme risk to my health, especially considering how very ill I was. I could have had permanent damge done that would prevent me from ever having children again. So, I can see now what a wonderful blessing it was that I went into labor. . .And more so, the experience was one where I was surrounded by wonderful people who helped me through one of the most difficult days of my life. I believe with all my heart that my dad was there in that room with me. . . I believe he took my baby home. . . And now, I believe that he once again had a hand in making sure his ashes came home to us. He took care of his namesake once again and once again, reminded me that he is still around and still caring for us. We've had a hard year. . .But lately, I've been seeing miracles, both big and small work their ways into our lives and I feel not only him, but my grandmother, and our precious son around us. I believe that we're not only going to survive these trails, we're going to soar over them to another faze of our life that will be filled with joy and happiness and the comfort of money troubles being a thing of the past. The trials have been a gift, because they've shown us what is truly important in life and I promise to honor those experiences by not forgetting it. Happy Birthday, Daddy. . . Thank you for making sure Joel's ashes finally made it home where they should be. Please keep watching over us, because we're not out of the woods yet. . .But, I know you'll continue to help us and we will be! (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 29th, 2006
9:10 pm	Money is wasted on the rich. . . Okay, since we've been somewhat strapped for cash. . . Hubby has started doing what he does best. . . Fixing macintosh computers. . .Now, most of his clients are rich. . .And when I say rich. . . we're talking 20 million dollar houses on the beach rich. . . These are people who call Johnny to transfer their computers from their house to their town-home that they have to live in while renovations are being done. The town home would be something that they would embarrassing explain is only temporary. . .The embarrassing town homes being some measly piece of beach property that's only worth four or five million. . .YES, I'm serious! He's had a guy come and pick him up in his personal helicopter to fix his printer (never mind, the price of the trip could have bought the guy a NEW printer.) He's seen a sales receipt for an etched glass door for the interior of one of his clients house. . . How much did the glass door cost? 100K. . .Yes, that's right. . . 100 grand for a fucking DOOR! I'm such a liberal. . .Because I dunno, I think they should have bought maybe a 10K door and donated 90K to the poor or something. . .but then, that's just me. . . Call me lame, but 100K for a door seems a bit over the top. So today. . .Hubby goes to this lady's house on the beach. . . Massive, of course. . . He said it took 10 minutes to get to the room it was in. . .and while they were walking she was explaining that they had moved the computer back and fort from this room to that room and so on. . . So finally they get to the room the computer currently resides in and she explained to Johnny that the computer ended up in the "babies" room. . . So Johnny is working on the computer for hours while this lady rambles on beside him. . .He said he spent most of the time just listening to her brag about her kids and grandkids and looking at photo albums (Sadly, this is the case with a lot of his clients. It's almost like they pay him to be their friend.) The whole time, he's wondering why she has a baby room since she's older and her kids are grown. . .He wonders and wonders about the baby room. . . It was decorated with a crib, toys, etc. . . Everything you'd find in a baby's room, very decorated and nice like an expensive nursery. Eventually, through the woman's rambling, he finds out that she loves animals. . .She has a pet rat that runs around the house O____o She has a dog and when Johnny finally looked he saw that a cat had been sleeping in the crib the whole time. . . Yes, that's right. . .The babies room. . .It was for her PETS! It was all decorated in pooh and shit. . .The cat slept in a crib! DUDE! I'm sorry. . .I love animals. . .but that's FUCKED! Money is wasted on the rich. . . It makes them loopy! When you have a room for your pets decorated like a nursery. . . You need to spend your money on therapy not Pooh furniture. . . ETA: This woman showed Johnny a picture of a dog she USED to have. . . She found him and cleaned him up and saved him. . .He was a beautiful dog, she said. . .So friendly. . .Then one day her husband tried to take a pork chop out of his mouth and the dog "just turned" and growled and jumped on the guy. . . So, he had to go. . . THEY PUT THE DOG TO SLEEP!!!!!!! ::head desk:: But, hey, he had pooh furniture before he got the axe for. . . I dunno. . . being a DOG! (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 26th, 2006
2:35 pm	Just thinking. . . I’m feeling defeated today. . . Funny, as I sat here at the shop looking out the window, just watching the rain fall as I listened to old songs that brought up memories that made me sad. . . I remembered a time when I was eighteen. I don’t remember what it was that made me upset, but something had me lying on the living room floor of my childhood home, with the Hawaiian sun shining down on me through the big second story window. Like now, I was listening to sad songs and crying because I was certain my life was over. . . Funny how I don’t remember what had me upset, but I remember the sun and the feel of the carpet under me and the sadness that had tears rolling down my face. My goodness, if I could only shake that eighteen year old Kele and yell at her for being so childish, because 11 years and lot of living later, I can’t possibly comprehend what it was that had me so upset. That Kele hadn’t lost her father yet. She hadn’t lost a baby. She didn’t know what it was like to try and buy food for her family with the last five dollars she had left. Shit, if we’re being honest, she had never known a financial worry in her whole sheltered life. It’s sorta like Mari who called me from her mother’s in Tennessee. . . Asking me if we’d buy her this $25,000+ car when she turned sixteen next year. I just laughed at her, because I really couldn’t think of another response. Here we are, barely able to put food on the table, and she wants a car. How selfish and self-centered youth is. I was the same at that age as were others. Of course, the cut off of my youth was perhaps a bit sooner than others, because I had a baby at nineteen. After 23+ hours of labor on July 19th, 1996 I held the baby I had just given birth to in my arms and instantly felt what most other mothers feel. . .That profound feeling of caring for someone else far more than you care for yourself. Of course I loved and cared for a lot of people before then. . . The feeling was just a lot stronger for my child. It was the kind of love that swelled you up and brought tears to your eyes. For that baby, I’d die without thought. I’d give up my own food so he could have some. . .And I’d give up my own happiness so that he could know joy. . . I often wondered why my bonding with Boo wasn’t as instantaneous as it was with Christopher. It sorta rolled over me as I lugged Boo around. Taking this little baby from one end of the country to the next, hugging him as I cried for my father and then my grandmother who both died before Boo was one. It wasn’t that I loved Boo less. It was just with Christopher I jumped from little girl to mother in one day and it hit me like a slap in the face. With Boo, I already knew that I’d die for him, that his happiness was more important than my own. . . So it wasn’t that profound. . .But then, Boo and I were sorta stuck together where with Christopher, I was working constantly while he was little as his father cared for him. Boo has always been more attached to me than Christopher ever was. . . So I think it was just the constant hugs, the constant following me around the house, the way he runs to me when he was hurt. All those little things and a million more that had Boo growing on me so much that when I’m away from him for long, I cry. . .Boo has often been my best friend without knowing it. . . He’s been the little shoulder to lean on when I’m sad. There’s been so much to be sad about over the last few years and yet Boo is always happy and always ready for a hug, even if he’s busy destroying the house and breaking his siblings things. I guess it was the same with Mari. . .She wasn’t my child, but I’ve been with her since she was three. She’s not the easiest person in the world to deal with, but she tries hard and I find myself wishing I could buy her car, not a $25,000 one, mind you. . . But I hate to disappoint her just like I hate the idea of disappointing Christopher by not being able to pay for the school he loves next year. It all makes my chest ache. . . Just like my chest aches when I think of my dad and I think of the baby I lost that I named after him. . . The one I’ll never be able to hold when I’m sad or laugh at when he asks for an outrageously expensive car. I guess the point is that I’m sad and I’m remembering another young, sad Kele and I think. . .My God, if only she had appreciated the carefreeness of youth. It went by so fast and I spent most of the time thinking I was fat (which I realize now was a joke. . . I’d die to wear a size seven again) or worrying over what people thought. It seemed I always thought my life was over and yet, really, I had no problems. . . Not like the ones I have today. . . Then, something even more profound hit me. . . What if there is a Kele in the future. . .A old Kele, a frail and sickly Kele who is looking back on her life and thinking, My God, why didn’t I appreciate the joys of motherhood more. Why did I spend all my time worrying over money and what school they were going to or what car they should drive. . . Why didn’t I hug them more, why didn’t I play with them more. . . Why didn’t I appreciate being needed to kiss injuries better because they will be grown up then, perhaps far away and maybe I’ll be alone and I won’t be needed anymore. . .Perhaps I’ll be the needy one. . . Maybe life just gets harder as the road gets longer and we leave behind a trail of regrets, we lose people we love, we fight and struggle and try to survive only to get to a place where we’re trying to die . . . So what’s it all for. . . I dunno. . . Maybe it’s for dancing in the rain and not knowing a worry in the world. . . Maybe it’s playing with your father, laughing at him as he acts silly. . . Maybe it’s running to your mother because you’re hurt and only she can make it better. . . Maybe it’s dressing up and going to prom. . . Maybe it’s making love for the first time. . . Maybe it’s getting married. . .Maybe it’s going through hours of pain and labor only to hold a baby that didn’t exist before you made it with someone you cared about it. . .Maybe it’s to kiss boo boo’s and dance to silly songs just to make your child laugh. . .Maybe it’s to give up buying a new laptop just to see your child go to a school they love. . . Maybe it’s seeing your child graduate and knowing the lack of a laptop was worth it. . . Maybe it’s sitting there watching your child give their heart to someone they want to spend their life with. . . . .Maybe it’s watching your children become parents and learn what it’s like to love someone so much it hurts. . .Maybe it’s spoiling grandchildren and laughing when your children bitch about it the same way you used to bitch at your parents. . . Maybe it’s growing old with your spouse who has traveled the long road with you. . .Maybe it’s a lot of things, but I think when I’m old and frail and maybe lonely. . .I won’t think it’s money and I need to remember that now when the world seems to be caving in around me. . . I felt just as sad at 18 as I do now. . . And yet the reason back then escapes. Twenty years from now I might look back at this moment, remembering being sad, but the reason will escape me and I’ll be angry at myself, thinking that I should have stopped being sad and just appreciated what I have. Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: Bring on the Rain (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 18th, 2006
5:04 pm	Neopets, sick kids and more. . . First. . . I'm firmly convinced that the creator of Neopets.com is the anti-christ. . .My God, first Christopher got sucked in, becoming so obsessed with this website/universe and his little pets that he has been driving us nuts over. His main pet is named Mojongrande, which my mother-in-law helped him name. If you speak spanish, you'll know why Christopher and his Granny fall over in peels of giggles when they discuss Mr. Mojongrande. They are both greatly amused by this, but Johnny just looked at Christopher in horror when he told him the name of his new pet then said. . . Just don't tell anyone. So, in an effort to help my child with his pet's care (it seems that parents can't escape the chore of caring for their children's pets, even when they are computer generated) I ended up having to explore the website. I played word games to earn points to feed said pet. I helped him start a shop and put things up for sale that other neopet owners can buy. We've even started constructing a house for Mr. Mojongrande. I've spent endless hours working on this darn neopet. . . So I talked to MIL today and she falling over laughing because Christopher was telling her about how his mom is so addicted to the neopet thing that now he doesn't have to do anything. His mom feeds his pet and stocks the shop and does everything for him. And that's when it hit me. . .I'm addicted to the darn neopet now. . . LOL! I find myself having to resist going and playing in the little neopet universe. ::head desk:: Just what I need, another addiction. Though, it is pretty fun, I have to admit. Speaking of addictions. Since we're sorta broke right now, on a whim I decided to give Johnny something different for father's day. I'm quitting smoking. . . Again! I quit when I got pregnant, but I wasn't out of the hospital 20 minutes before I was smoking again. I needed the stress relief, so sue me! But lately, I've found that I really don't enjoy it like I used to and it almost feels like a chore to go outside and have one. So I decided to quit and I had him take the pack of cigarettes I was smoking to my MIL, since they were her cigarettes. She left them over here and though I hate menthol, I've been smoking them for the past two days, because I didn't want to go buy my own brand. I realized that in two days, I'd only smoked four or five and that's not a lot and I really could of gone without those. I just did it because . . . well, that's what smokers do. Anyway. . Cigarettes are gone and I feel good about the decision. I can't be smoking if I want to get healthy. It puts a stop on everything. Plus, I'm a serious asthmatic. I shouldn't be smoking at all. So we'll see how I'll do with it. The fact that we are broke and don't have money to waste on things like cigarettes and it makes my husband so much happier when I'm not smoking. . .I think that's enough to keep me on track. And, I just want to feel healthy again and I always feel decidedly unhealthy when I'm smoking. I don't think I'll get motivated to exercise is I'm smoking. I need my lungs clear. So done with the cigs. . . In other news, it seems Christopher was kind enough to share his cold with Boo. Now Boo is hacking and coughing. He's got a very stuffed nose (which is always lovely with a three year old who doesn't like to have his nose wiped) and a fever. At least he doesn't have asthma like Christopher. Still, the kid is miserable. He's been a good mood (like I said in a earlier entry, my kids are great sick people) but he's been a bit more clingy and hasn't been bouncing around with his usual energy. He's still smiley and happy though. Just being a bit lazy and he's having a hard time breathing with his nose so stuffy :( My pooor Boo! That's about it. . . Hope you all are having a good Dad's day! (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
7:13 pm	Busy, busy. . .That'd be meeee! Man, have I've been busy! The house is getting appraised and considering I've been either sick or in the hospital for the past month or so. . . UGH! The house was so not ready to be appraised inside and out. Then, of course, Mr. Alberto came and destroyed my yard, giving us tons of extra word seeing as the whole yard is now nothing but, leaves, sticks and fallen branches because we have LOTS of trees. Johnny went outside after a night of windy, stormy weather, looked at the destroyed yard and just shook his head saying. . .Well, shit! To top things off, Christopher's cold has gotten worse. Being an asthmatic makes a common cold so much more serious, because it aggravates his asthma in the WORSE way! I've been fucking bleeding money we don't have over the doctor and meds for both Christopher and myself. . . He's so bad that the doctor really wanted to get him on the Advair disk (the newest, latest treatment for server asthmatics) but I had been putting him off because I knew it was expensive. Isn't that awful that we're forced to skimp on our son's medical needs cause we can't afford it! Then a miracle happened. . . We got a letter saying that all three kids had been accepted for medicaid. . . Nothing about me, which sucks because my near death experience cost literally hundreds of thousands of dollars (yes, you read that right.) Still, Christopher was the one with immediate medical needs and finding out that he had insurance was AWESOME! Unfortunately, the doctor we've been going to doesn't accept medicaid, but he DOES accept the HMO I signed up for under medicaid (It's complicated, but basically, once accepted you choose from a dozen or so insurances that then represent you, not medicaid directly. In our case, we're going to be using Amerigroup, but we may change Christopher to medipass since he has more pressing medical needs, medipass offers a plan that deals with children with chronic illnesses like server asthma and they assign you a nurse who then makes all your appointments and does all the leg work for you. . .Which sounds sorta nice, considering I've been doing the leg work on my own.) Sooo, right now, the doctor we've been dealing with on a daily basis over Christopher's sickness doesn't accept medicaid, which is what we'll have to use until the new insurance kicks in, which won't be until July 1st. . .So, basically, the doctor has been treating him over the phone after seeing him last week, knowing we don't have much money, etc. . . He called in three new prescriptions for Christopher today. After several hours on the phone, I got everything situated, had a temporary number to use until we got insurance cards and went to pick up the scripts. Of course, they had issues with me just having a number. . .They said, we NEED a card. . .And I told them, I don't HAVE a card, they haven't sent it to me yet. So they suggested I wait until I got the card, to which I said. . .I can't wait. . .HE CAN'T BREATH! They got nicer then, seeing that I had a son who was suffering. It took about thirty minutes and fortunately I not only had the paper they sent saying he was accepted, but I also had his social written on the back of it because I was using that paper while I was on the phone with the medicaid office and I wrote all the kids social's down so I'd have them on hand while I was talking to them. With that info, we finally got it fixed and I was handed a whole bag of medicine for my son that cost me ZERO dollars. I can't tell you how fucking nice it felt to not pay out the arse for the meds he needed. . . And guess how much that Advair disk would have been without the insurance. . . $196! OUCH! For that one stupid Advair disk that he is supposed to use once a day. . . two hundred BUCKS! But it cost me nothing. . . WOOO! Not only that, but the guy at the pharmacy said check back in a week about your refund on the other meds. . . I looked at him sorta funny, saying I didn't get it. . . and he explained that they were going to submit for a refund for the other meds I picked up last week since it said on the letter that he was accepted at the very beginning of the month. He was covered and the pharmacy would get the money from the insurance and then give me my money back. SCORE! I'm getting cash back. . .I was already giddy about the novelty of free medical care, I could hardly believe the luck at getting cash back for things I'd paid for earlier. The downside is that I found out MY application for the insurance was denied, which was the reason we submitted the stupid thing to begin with. They approved the kids, but not me and Johnny. Of course, I understand why it's easier to get insurance for the kids, since they need it more and should be a priority to our government. But, I explained to the lady at the medicaid office that I NEEDED the insurance, because if not, I'd have a stack of bills that would take me a lifetime to pay off. She said the reason we had been denied was because we didn't submit proof of income. . .To which I argued that, yes we DID! When she checked her files she saw that we did fax them in, the agent assigned to our case just didn't get it! ::head desk:: So the woman assured me that she would make SURE the agent got the files and since it had been less than 60 days since the original application was submitted, we could still use the same application instead of having to reapply all over again, which would have SUCKED! We're talking serious paper work with these applications. So cross your fingers! It's hard for us to prove our income since we own our own business. It's not like we can just fax in pay check stubs. It's really complicated, but then again, since we do own the business, we have so many write offs that it looks like we make almost nothing. I think things will get better, summer is a shitty season for us. . .But just send us happy thoughts. If we get this refinance (the reason the appraiser is coming over) and get my medical bills paid for. . .We'll be in a MUCH better place and that'd be nice after months of being shit on. Other than that. . .Not much else. . .I'm feeling TONS better since I stopped poisoning myself with too much iron. I think I'm back to normal. I've rolled out of bed the last few days feeling almost sprite! It was definitely the iron that was causing my sickness, lethargy, etc. . . Once I stopped taking it, I was better. . . Thank you, Dr. MOM! My mother rocks my socks! If it wasn't for her, I'd still be laid up, taking big iron pills and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. P.S. madam_minnie and enelya_oronar can we have a girls night out once I get all this stuff with my house situated in a few weeks. . .I'd love to go down there and spend the night at one of your houses (LOL! enelya_oronar I think I already invited myself to yours while I was in the hospital and high on meds. . .But, you accepted! ::grins::) I'd really love that after months of being sick with pregnancy and then dealing with all the crap that's been going on. A girls night out sounds like lots of fun and I promise to NOT behave! P.S.S. enelya_oronar I got the card from you, madam_minnie and tqpannie. It was UPER cool and rocked my socks. . . Also, if whoever sent me that letter from Singapore is on this LJ, thank you and reply so I know who you are. I didn't see your user name in the letter, maybe you're not on here ::pouts:: I really owe all of you who sent the letters and cards thank yous. . .Because I love them. . . I was looking through all of them today. HEH! nappy_steph I saw your card and now after having talked to you on the phone, it was soo cool to put a voice with the lovely card and note you wrote in it! Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Do I Make you Proud By Mr. Taylor HICKS! (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 12th, 2006
1:56 pm	Closed due to bad weather! I closed the shop. . .the weather was just too bad and it looks to be getting worse. . . And Alberto has been working out. . .It looks like he may be a hurricane. . .GREAT! Anyway. . . I was driving home, flipping through the stations and OMG! The Humpty Dance came on the radio. . .And here I am driving in the rain, nodding my head, bouncing in my seat and rapping (thank God I was in the car by myself.) HEH! Old school, baby! I felt so sixteen again! I had to download the song the second I got home! HEHEHEHEH! I used to LOVE that song. . . Total flashback to my youth! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
1:58 pm	Sitting here and feeling all sappy and mushy. . . LOL! Sitting here at work. . .I wrote a little, but this stool hurts my back. We need to get a better chair in here, one that has a back to it. I forgot to say, that in the doing good things for myself plan. . .I cooked a very yummy dinner. . . Eggplant parmesan, which admittedly, I bought frozen and just stuck in the oven. . .But then I made pasta to go with it and sautéed some yellow squash, zucchini, and mushrooms to go over it. . .I mixed the veggies and pasta with a little pesto. . .And it was bad ass good, if I don’t say so myself. I’ve missed my own cooking. LOL! After living off hospital food, which if you are a vegetarian, means you get the SAME thing breakfast, lunch and dinner for the duration of your stay, which in my case was two weeks. Then mainly off fast meals and things other people made for us one I got home. . .It was nice to eat my own cooking. To top it off. . .I did all the dishes. Hubby ohhh and ahhhed over the pasta and later on that night looked at me and said, “I feel like I got you back. . .and it’s been a LONG time.” I’ve been sick and unable to really do much since I first got pregnant and started throwing up at every turn. So really, poor hubby has been holding down the fort for over SIX MONTHS! Its no wonder he was always so tired. . . Hearing that from him, that relief at finally getting the old Kele back, even if she is still recovering a bit, was the best thing I’ve heard in a LONG time. My honey bunny missed his wife, poor baby. . .He really has done so much. . . He’s been going non-stop, on little sleep, morning until night while I’ve been either pregnant, in the hospital, or recovering. One day, I’ll have to figure out a way to make it all up to him, because he has been our rock! Damn, but I love that man with every ounce of my being. . . Sometimes it hurts I adore him so much! And here we are. . . On June 13th will be our 10th wedding anniversary. . .and our 11th anniversary since I first moved here to be with him. We got married one year to the date that we first met. And I still adore him. . . It’s more than the sex, which rocks. . .It’s the friendship. . .It’s the way my kids adore him because he’s such a great father. . . It’s the million inside jokes that you develop after sharing your life with someone for 11 years. . . I love it all! You know, I can understand why people would miss the new feeling of a relationship, but gosh, since I’m now an old, married lady, I have to say I love the security and comfort that comes from being with a man who has been your roommate, lover, the father of your children, and very best friend for years and years. . . He still thrills me. . . Sex with a man that knows you like the back of his hand HAS to be better than fumbling with a newbie. . . Of course, I wouldn’t know. . .Because the only man I’ve ever been with is my husband. . .In fact, the only man I’ve ever really kissed is my husband . . . HEHE! I was picky in my youth and all the silly, teenage boys didn’t appeal to me. . .But one day, I met this guy online and just seeing his screen name made my heart jolt for some odd reason. Then, when I told him to call me late one night and I first heard his voice, I knew I was in love. We talked for four hours that night. . .We talked like old friends. There was just this connection that I can’t explain. . .But it was strong enough to have me packing my bags six months after that first phone call and moving thousands of miles away from home, to a new place called Florida, that was almost like a different country to me. . .It was so VERY different from Hawaii that had always been home from the day I was born, the only redheaded, white baby in that whole baby ward at Kapolani hospital. . . And I remember getting off the airplane in Tampa, nervous as hell, because I was about to meet a man that I loved, but had never met face to face, but still cared for enough to leave home just to be with him. . .And no one was there. . . For ten minutes I waited and thought that perhaps I made a mistake until I spotted him, recognizing him instantly from the pictures, running down the ramp, breathless and nervous as I was. . . Seeing him only told me one thing. . .That I DIDN’T make a mistake. . . Because the moment I saw him face to face, I felt that same tug on my heart that I had felt the first time I heard his voice. And that night. . . We stayed in a hotel room. . .and well, hehehehe . . . You can guess what happened. . . and I was so blessed, because my first time was wonderful and amazing and perfect in everyway because I was with a man who was loving and considerate and obviously my soul mate, because how else could you explain the connection, one so strong that even after 11 years of ups and downs, of tough financial problems and the loss of three babies. . . I still love him, now more than ever. . .because through everything, he has never been anything but loving and supportive and wonderful. He has held me up during times when other men would have caved. He’s cooked and cleaned and taking care of the kids, driving Christopher back and forth to school everyday even though his school is over an hour away. He’s done all that and worked too. He did everything, even when he was tired, even when he was hurting and mourning as much, probably more than me because he held little Joel and bonded with him even though he was gone and I know that hurt him more than anything he has ever faced, but still he was strong for me. . . Life hasn’t been easy lately. . . But, I am blessed and I do know it. . . My husband is wonderful. Christopher is such a great kid that everywhere we go, people shake our hands and tell us he’s the most incredible. intelligent, polite 9 year old they have ever met. Boo is a handful, but he’s ALWAYS happy. ALWAYS! He has a smile from the moment he wakes up until long after he passes out after a day of running around and making us tired when he smiles and laughs in his sleep. Mari is 14 and she goes through all the drama that can only come from being a 14 year old girl, but still her heart is in a good place and she is thoughtful and helps with the baby, loving him so much that she doesn’t even want to go to her mother’s for a month this summer because she’ll miss Boo too much. My mother has been there, sometimes spending hours a day talking on the phone to me, supporting me at every turn, loving me and comforting me and sending me treats from Hawaii that make it feel like Christmas at my house, because having stuff from home is always wonderful. . .and then I have you guys, a whole legion of wonderful friends, most that I’ve never even met in person, but all of whom have done so much for me that it makes me ache knowing that I’ll NEVER be able to repay you, because you have helped me far more than you’ll ever know. So lucky me. . . While life’s not perfect. We’re struggling financially in a way we never have before, and we’re still aching over the baby we’ll never get to know like we have our other babies, but still love all the same. I was sick, and still am still recovering. . .Even with all that, I still feel like I’ve won the lottery. . . The most important lottery, one far more valuable than money and for that I’m so thankful! /mushy post (14 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
12:02 pm	A small spark. . . OH! We have a small spark with our house situation. . . It might seem bigger than a small spark. . . If we hadn't had SOOO many disappointments with this situation. . . Small things that seem so silly have ruined everything way more than once. But, there is still a spark. . .Maybe you guys can send us good thoughts and turn the spark into a flame of hope. . . ::crosses fingers:: We really don't want to move. . (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 27th, 2006
12:12 am	The Dementors are at my door and Harry was right. . . It really is the worst feeling in the world. . .Like you'll never been happy again. . . I don't know what happened. . .but out of the blue it truly feels like every drop of happiness has just been sucked out of me. . .I don't feel like doing anything. . .Not on the computer, not around the house. . . Nothing. . .I don't feel like eating and in truth . . . there's a part of me that just wants to lay down and die because it all feels so very hard. . . And I'm so jealous because I just want to be a normal person. . . A person that doesn't feel sad and doesn't have to take a million pills and vitamin supplements. . .I want to be healthy again and most of all I want to be happy again and it feels like it'll never happen and I don't know HOW to make myself happy and what about my husband and my kids? I can't be like this all the time with them. . . That's not fair. . .Why aren't I strong enough? Overall. . .I just want to say to please forgive me for lack of response on your past posts. I read them many times and each one touched me so profoundly and I've wanted to respond a million times but pah. . .I don't have an excuse. . I such and I almost don't deserve you all as friends. . . I will reply, but right now. . .I really can't. . .not and say the things I want to say. . . I'll response. .Just give me a few. . . (14 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 21st, 2006
4:31 pm	Tired. . . I was doing fine. . . I was doing things around the house, catering to Boo perhaps a little (or a lot) more than I usually do and then all of a sudden I hit the wall again. . .I really hate that about this sickness. . .I can have moments where I feel almost normal again. I'm hurting, but I'm able to move and get things done and stay awake. . . Then, out of the blue this wave of exhaustion will wash over me and I can barely keep my eyes open which is where I'm at right now. Thank God Mari took the baby to my MIL and I'm going to be able to go take a nap because I don't know what I'd do otherwise. Anyway, I left a few comments, but I'm TOOO tired to leave anymore and I want to wait until I'm alert to comment on the rest. . . And I want to say THANK YOU to those of you commented and friended this new LJ. . . There were hours there where only one person had friended me and no one had commented and I realized how VERY nervous I was about starting this livejournal and openly sharing my stories, even the ones that were in many ways embarrassing and had parts in them that I'm ashamed of. There were a horrid few hours where I thought that people had come here, read what I had posted and were horrified and disgusted. I know that maybe sounds irrational, but it made me realize how hard it really is to talk about these things. . . And that in many ways I am ashamed and embarrassed and scared of what people will think of me after reading different things on here. It sorta reminded me of what it was like those first few days after I found out Joel had died. . . I was still carrying him (I had to carry him for five days I think before I went into labor, but I'll talk more about that later) and I was terrified of what was going to happen after I delivered him, because the doctors kept talking about how they were going to do all these tests on him to try and determine what had caused his death and all I could think about was that they were going to do all these tests and then find out that it was MY fault he had died. . .I had done something, I just knew it. . . True, I hadn't done anything that I knew of that would cause a baby to die. I had taken a few over the counter medicines since I had been so sick before I went into the hospital, but the OBGYNs had all assured me that everything I had taken was perfectly safe during pregnancy. . .But still, I just knew that it was something that I had done and they were going to do these tests on the baby and come back and tell me that I had caused his death. I even had really irrational moments where I would worry that they were going to take my other children away from me because I was a baby killer, I hadn't protected Joel and now he was dead. The fear and worry over what they would find when they did these tests consumed me for days on end, causing me anxiety I can't even explain. . . Coming out of that irrational terror was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I still have days where I battle with it and again this morning when I looked and saw that hardly no one had friended me and that no one had commented, I battled with it again thinking that people had read my story about my miscarriage and were horrified by some of my actions. . . Fortunately, I got distracted by other things and ended up on the phone and doing things around the house so that it was hours before I sat down and checked the new LJ again. . . The weight that lifted off of me upon seeing the comments left and reading the stories you guys shared was incredible. Then seeing that many of you have friended me made me feel even lighter.So thank you soo, soo, soooooo much for your support and your understand because I realized that I am still very sensitive, perhaps even a bit irrational about things at certain times. Just making the small effort of friending this LJ gave me the support and the reassurance that I needed in order to keep on sharing and that's good because typing out things and getting things out in writing is helping me a LOT. I felt so much better after I finished writing that whole post about my previous miscarriages. . . I hadn't realized how much pain I still carried around over those experiences and writing it out and sharing it when I've kept it inside for so long was very good for me. . . Anyway. . .I'm going to stop rambling because I am so VERY tired I'm sure this whole post hardly makes any sense. . .I've fallen asleep a few times just trying to type this and I'm typing slower than molasses. I just want to say thank you to everyone who friended me and double thank you to those of you who commented. You'll never know the relief I felt to see those comments there. I was going to try and re read this to see if it made any sense at all.. . but I just drifted off to sleep again and I think I just need to go bed for a long nap. If this post is covered in errors and seems to be a bit spacey, its just because I'm so drained. Maybe I'll edited it once I've had sleep and am able to keep my eyes open for longer than five seconds. (26 Comments |Comment on this)
3:59 am	The other two. . . A post about two miscarriages I've had in the past. So here I am at my new journal. . . . I was at a loss as to how to actually start it. Do I start the story from the beginning and then go forward or do I treat it like I do my other journal and just write what I am feeling at the time and go from there. After much thought, I decided that instead of treating it like a story. . .I would just let this be what it’s supposed to be, a journal where you write from day to day what you are going through and what you are feeling and I know that eventually all the details will come out a little at a time and they will be here. And I do want all the details to be here. I want a record of what I am feeling and thinking about right now because I do know from experience that when you go through something difficult, the details fade rather easily. Well, at least for me they fade easily. ( Cut because this is not only a long story, but detailed about my experiences with having a miscarriage. . . One of the miscarriages was at 14 weeks of pregnancy and it was awful experience. If you are sensitive you might not want to read it, many of the details about my second miscarriage that are under this cut I haven’t shared with anyone until now because they are unpleasant. . . So Please keep that in mind before you read it. ) (15 Comments |Comment on this)
1:13 am	I did it. . . And it was harder than I thought it'd be. . . I found myself a bit weepy making this LJ. It's funny, but I didn't think it'd make me sad creating it, but then things grab you at the weirdest times. I actually made one LJ, decided that I didn't quite like how the name looked (after I'd gone through all the heck of making it) and deleted it. I changed the name to tulipangels and then finished up. . . I think I'm happy with it. I decided to get the advertising LJ so I could upload all the user pics that everyone made for me. Unfortunately, I really can't afford to get a paid account considering the fact that my illness has strapped us financially in a way that we've never experienced before (we're hoping the medical bills will get paid for, though they haven't been yet and we've had to pay for all the doctor's visits, medications etc. . .but just the lack of work on Johnny's and my part has been. . . well. . . difficult to say the least! I feel bad we've had to sacrifice so much just for the medications and doctor's visits but I will get better and when I do I can't wait to get back to the shop and work again) I loved all the icons and I didn't feel right not having every single one at my finger tips to use if the mood struck me. . .So forgive the advertising. . . My heart needed all the icons. Please feel free to look through all the icons and if I've somehow missed one that you've made for me, please comment or email me because I wanted every one up and available for me to use and if I did miss one it was just me being dingy. I'm still struggling with the concentration issue because of the anemia and meds. I wish I knew how to upload a picture on my user info page because chalicushu made me a banner instead of an icon and I thought it would look so pretty on the user info page. . . Is that an option you only get if your account is paid? I know I don't have any banners or anything on my redblaze LJ, but then. . .I've never tried? I actually wrote a story a few days back for this livejournal and I think I'll post it now. . .I was in a dark place when I wrote this particular post, which is an old story or stories, rather. . .I wrote of my two miscarriages that I had before I had Boo. In truth, I rarely think of either experience and there is actually lots of details that I've blocked to the point that I can't recall them at all. I thought I had totally recovered from those losses, but I found writing out everything that happened, giving details that I hadn't shared with anyone, even my husband, was cleansing and there were still demons and pain that I carried around with me from those earlier miscarriages and writing about them and getting them out made me feel better. The reason I decided to write about these experiences at all is because there were things that happened during these times that affected my decisions and my reactions to this pregnancy and this loss. . . So in order to fully understand everything these things needed to be told. Still, there are parts of this particular post that I wrote that are so unpleasant I considered not posting it at all. . . But, I talked with quidditchgrrl tonight about it and that conversation sort of solidified my decision that I will post what I wrote without sugar coating it or glossing over some of the more gory details. She is one of those great friends that I can talk frankly with and has always had a way of making me see things and realize things I may have already knew, but just needed a good friend to reiterate everything for me. I realized that I am almost ashamed to post it and for that reason alone, maybe I should. . .maybe there is someone else out there who has a story like mine, something that happened to make them feel like they are ashamed or alone and maybe by reading it they will know they aren't. . . There will be times when I share my most resent experiences when I'll have to decide what to share and what not to because again there are things I feel ashamed of and it reminds me of something one of the OBGYN'S who came into my room one day while I was in the hospital this last time said to me. . . First, I have to say that this doctor came to me like an angel, when the other members of his group had been kind and professional, I had never felt any connection to them nor had I heard I single word out of their mouths that had offered me comfort. It wasn't that they weren't kind, they were perhaps just not the right people for me to personally talk to. . .Then appears this man, who for some reason, almost glowed as he walked into the room, he was just one of those people who sort of bleeds kindness and you can sense it. Everything about him was soft, from his voice, to his facial features and he pulled up a chair next to my bed and sat there as though he had all the time in the world and wasn't a busy doctor who probably had a whole list of patients to see. . . I talked to him for a long time. I poured out all my fears that had been eating at me body and soul since I found out that the baby had died inside me. . . What did I do to kill my baby, because I just knew that the loss of Joel was my fault. . .I told him every pill I took for every ache. . . I took Benadryl because I had a sinus infection. I took Robitussin because I had a cough. I took tylenol once for a headache. There were times when I would go for days and not take my prenatal vitamins because I was busy and I forgot. I went over everything and with everything he assured me that I hadn't done anything wrong. All those things were perfectly safe during pregnancy. . . Then he said that if he asked every pregnant woman who came into his office to list everything she had done and taken that could possibly affect her pregnancy, he would have the most incomplete list it wouldn't even be worth his effort to ask for it. . . But, he said, if he asked every woman who had lost a baby to make that same list, he would have the most detailed, complete list of things that it would probably take him weeks to go through it. You are not alone, he said. . . Every woman who loses a baby does this. . . As mothers you always end up blaming yourselves for the loss because as mothers it's your natural instinct to protect your babies and when your babies die you feel you failed. . . He had summed up exactly what I felt. . . I had failed my baby. . . He died and in my heart I felt like it because I hadn't protected him. I hadn't done enough. I should have suffered through the sinus infection without the Benadryl. I should have endured the headache without the tylenol. . . But, then he went on to tell me of patients he's had who hadn't wanted the babies they had ended up pregnant with. . .Women who had done drugs and drank alcohol and beat up their bodies and tried everything they could to shake those babies out of them and yet they delivered their babies as though nothing had happened to them. Why that is. . .None of us know. . .But he said to me that what he did know was that sometimes babies die and we just don't know why. . . we as doctors feel like we failed too, we hurt too when we lose one and we hurt more when we can't figure out why. . . When we can't tell the mother that it was this or that and give her closure. . . But, he assured me that I had done nothing wrong and while there are still times when I feel like losing Joel was my fault and a part of me knows that I'll never know for sure that it wasn't. . . His words did offer me comfort. I wasn't perfect, but I had tried to protect him. I had wanted him and I had loved him while he was with me like I love him now that he's gone. . . So like I said, there are things I'm ashamed of. . .Things maybe other people wouldn't even understand WHY I'm ashamed of them. . . In a way it's hard to even say that I lost a baby, because there is a part of me that thinks someone is wondering what I did to lose him. . .Why did he die when others have healthy babies. . . But, hearing this doctor say that every woman he has ever talked to who has lost a baby asks the same questions, has the same fears, and has a detailed list perhaps as long as mine that goes over everything she could have done that would have somehow contributed to the fact that her baby had died. . .Knowing that there are others out there who feel guilt and who feel ashamed is what motivates me to be up front. . . So I'm going to post my my stories as I write them. . .I will use cut tags on the parts I feel may be too much for sensitive people to handle. . .But I guess I just want to warn people that I do plan to be blunt and to tell the stories as they happened. . . even the painful parts, even the gory parts, because I started this LJ as a cleansing for me and place for other women who have gone through things similar to me to see that they aren't alone. . . Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: outside noises. . . mainly bugs buzzing (4 Comments |Comment on this)